"90 to 96/245—The Journey I Never Thought We'd Take"

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19-07-2026 to 25-07-2026


Hello namaste


These days don't feel like days anymore. Everything feels heavy.


On Sunday,the elders decided to perform Kutus Asthi Sanjayanam in Kerala. Looking at your photo frame is still so hard. I still can't believe it. I keep asking myself, "How?" Maybe I'm still in denial. The photo in the frame is the one we took in Daman last October when you came home. These days,I talk to you through your photo. Sometimes I even say, Look Karthika School students are going. Whatever comes to my mind, I just tell you.


The train journey kept reminding me of you. Last January,all of us travelled together just like this for Ammayi's rituals. Do you remember? Never,even in my wildest dreams,did I think that this year we would be travelling for yours. It hurts so much. Everywhere I look,I see you. Your smile,your teeth when you laughed, your face... everything is right in front of my eyes. Everyone keeps talking about you, remembering you.


One thing I couldn't stop thinking about during the journey was this. Ammayi passed away in January, the month of your birthday. And this happened to you in July,the month of Ammayi's birthday. I don't know why,but that thought stayed with me the whole time.


Nalla also told us something that stayed with me. Ammama's Mrityu nakshatram and yours are the same Magam. He said, "Ammama ke paas gaya hai."


On 22-07-2026,we performed your Asthi Sanjayanam. The poojari said that everything had been done properly and peacefully.


I don't know if my tears have dried up,or if they just won't come because it feels like our crying would only cause you pain.


It's been raining continuously. I don't know why,but it feels like Kutus, whenever something is done for you, the rain comes with us. It feels like you're there with us. I still remember what I told you in Panchavati: "You don't need to ask anyone's permission for anything anymore. You're free now." Saying those words was one of the hardest things I've ever had to say.


One thing that gives me a little peace is that Ammayi is in Palakkad with her family. At least she's surrounded by her people,and I feel she'll be a little better there.


It feels so unfair that you're not here,and I'm the one standing in front of your photo,lighting an agarbatti. Honestly,I keep thinking... if something had happened to me instead,I would have accepted that too.


Something inside me has changed. There's a strange silence and emptiness within me now. Everywhere I go,I only hear people talking about you how it happened,what happened,why it happened. Those conversations never seem to stop.


Everyone has slowly started going back to work after the leave,and life is slowly getting back to its routine. But I'm mostly at home these days and haven't been going out much. Whenever I sit in the first room,my eyes automatically go to your photo. Maybe that's why it still feels like you're around. I don't know... that's just how it feels.


My whole body feels "maravippu," as we say in Malayalam completely numb and heavy.


I know this pain will never go away, but one thing is certain...You'll always be our little one.


I'm sorry,Kutus. I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart.


-pyaar sahiba🌻


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